June Diary

Hey brothers and sisters in Christ.

Thank you so much for coming to the site, and I know from your emails and support that some of you are actually benefiting from these blogs I write and to be honest it makes me feel good to know that.  I really appreciate you visiting and saying what is on your mind. Even the personal email’s asking for prayer and or help mean so much to me. Often times when I am depressed, or feeling down, I open up my website in box and sometimes spend hours and hours reading them, and responding to them. Yesterday I stayed up until 4:20 am!  I wish I spoke HINDI or Thai so I could help many of you in those nations better by understanding your language. I suppose if God could make the heavens and the earth, he could get me to learn these languages.

I have not been writing much because to be completely honest with all of you I just did not want to write anything negative. I always want to be supporting and uplifting in all of my posts because many of you are indeed going through trials of many kinds. God molds us and shapes us by putting us through trials and remember that when you are in the heat of a trial that he loves you. He does not bring change to someone unless he loves you and wants you to change. I realize this and yes for you elders out there I remember the scripture in James. Now we all know the King James version, but look at the amplified:

²Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations.

³Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.

⁴But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing.

⁵If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of ^[b]the giving God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching or faultfinding, and it will be given him.

This scripture, I have read so many times during this year. I have to tell you brothers and sisters that I, a follower of the way, a man of many sins that found Jesus in October of 2001 have pretty much had the worst year of my life so far.  These are not little trials either. A job loss, or a friend leaving you are big trials to young believers, but when you mature and get older the trials get harder, and harder.  Just when I settle down for a few days, thank God for what I have, get into the word and feel just a hint of Joy it seems as though another, greater trial is down the road, and then hits me right out of the blue with no warning at all.  Trial after trial after trial.  There seems to be no end to my trials this year.

At the beginning of the year when the first trials came I joked with other brothers at church about the difficulties I was surviving, and would pat them on the back and say ” Gotta stay strong!” or “Gotta Praise him when your in a trial”. I joked about my trials. That lasted through February and March. I actually had the faith. I “considered it wholly joyful“.

By April I was just about ready to pull my hair out over some issues with my music.  I guess this is one small trial that I was going through (still am) but I don’t want to gossip, but I don’t know what the line is between gossip and just being honest about something, writing it down, and sharing it with others. I would hate, and I mean really feel guilty if other Christian artists out there had to endure what I have had to endure.  It’s hard to explain really but I don’t think I can survive another attack on my music. The enemy is doing “everything” under the sun to keep this CD from hitting Lifeway and Family Christian stores.  The people he uses are some of the nicest people on earth.

Sometimes the difficulties are so much to bear that I just laugh really.

I want to tell you these trials brothers and sisters not for pity but to give hope to all of you who endure our faith.

To start out with January- April trials,  I had a well known, connected Nashville “on fire” for Christ Christian’s ask me for $178,909.00 dollars to “spin” my music on mainstream Christian stations. That’s the ONLY way it can be done now.  Can you imagine?  I told him to jump in the creek and he told me “You will never spin on the radio. I am radio. They don’t put you in rotation unless I say so!”  It’s illegal yes, but it’s done in such a way that skirts the laws.  What happened to the day’s of a good song getting on the air? Everything has changed. It’s worse in many ways than the secular market. It’s all commercial now.

So understanding that, and seeing many Christian artists getting on the radio, getting popular, and living this dream was for the beginning of this year hard to bear for me.  So between this Nashville guy , as well as a slew of other problems ranging from dishonesty by distributors, to flat out lying to me about release dates, the beginning of this year was awful for me and it really tried my patience to the point of just sitting in my truck and listening to the word on CD for hours. It took everything out of me to write something uplifting in April.

Even through all of these trials, I wanted to impress God so I managed to make a commitment to Him to get into the word before bed, and in the morning before I check email, make calls, or get up I try and get into the word.

Then May hit and I cannot tell you this trial because its still ongoing, but it’s a complete nightmare to have to go through. To make matters even more worse is that the person that is doing it to me is also a brother in Christ. Yesterday I did something I never thought was possible and that is pray for him that God blesses him. I actually forgave him for what he is doing to me. It was very hard to do. Later in May we got slammed by Satin with a financial crisis that really, really hit me out of left field.  A family member needed some assistance, and when you add the fact that I am starting businesses for people, helping them out financially, etc, it all ads up and when you get hit with a financial problem all of a sudden it makes you wonder if you did the right thing.

I was even questioning my tithe.  For the last part of May I tried to watch 3 TD Jake’s a day. Joyce Meyers was also on my watch list as well as John Bevere. I love these guys, and they are out of all of the evangelist I know probably the ones that speak to me the most because they have “been there”.  I pushed in even harder. The more trials that came, the more I pushed in and in and in.

Finally my elders of my church invited my family to a B & B at an island in the San Juans. I was really looking forward to the relaxation and when we settled in and the rain started to come down, Satin began to fill my head with images of problems I was going through, my music, taking care of my family and he loves to remind me of the days I was single living in sin and how much fun it would be go to back. I shook it off but by 7PM I was in a miserable mood. One of the elders said “Let’s praise Jesus and worship the Lord”.

You know from my posts how honest I am with you guys. Let me tell you that is NOT what I wanted to do at that moment.  I could not pick up my guitar and do it.  Another worship leader began to play songs and it took three songs but by the 4th song I was singing and had pulled my guitar out and played “His love endures forever”. I began to feel the evil cloud leave my family and I felt for a moment some joy and peace and even began to feel confident that I am going to praise his name through this trial. We enjoyed our evening but as time went by, my 6 year old son, my firstborn, began to have wheezing and difficulty breathing. We took him to the small clinic right away on the island and was told it was “allergies”.  I knew in my heart that was not the case, but I was determined to have a good time but promised myself I would watch my son.

It was late into the evening now and I found myself checking on him and it seemed that he was better somewhat. I prayed over him and laid hands on him and commanded in the name of Jesus he would “heal”.  I could not get to sleep however because, call it a lack of faith, I knew he was suffering. So I sat at the end of his bed and watched him struggle breathing until around 1am and then I could not keep my eyes open. I went into my room and asked my wife to watch him for a few hours and she agreed. I went to bed and said a prayer.

I was woken up at 5am by my Mother in Law saying that they had to Evacuate him by boat to Seattle and he was in the ER. I called my wife and she said she did not want to wake me, so she called 911 because nothing was open on this island and they had a boat come from Seattle to get my son, and take him to the hospital.

Turns out: Asthma attack. Know what? My son does not have asthma.

So as you can imagine, no sleep, running on empty I packed all of the stuff and drove home to my wife who was taking care of my son. He was fine. Breathing normal and telling me all about his trip to the hospital. It was “cool”. Amen for that.

Anyway, I write this late on Sunday evening this first week of June to tell you to please pray for me. But this time I don’t want to pray that my CD gets in stores, or that I get out of this financial problem, or this brothers leaves me alone. What I really want prayer for is that I become what GOD wants me to become, not what I want. Maybe that’s it. Maybe that is what I need to learn here.

Your brother in the sufferings of our Lord Jesus,

P